Q.
My oldest son is getting married next fall. I love his fiance and I'm thrilled with their decision. The only problem is that my son, who we adopted at birth, wants to invite his birth mother (whom we recently found) to the wedding. I have always been grateful to her for giving life to my son and for her decision to give him up for adoption, but I do not want to share this day with her. When my son realized I was a little less than thrilled with the idea he immediately dropped it, but now I feel guilty! Should I? What is proper in this case?
A.
You said it yourself: You want him to be happy, and this is his day. Your feelings are totally understandable and normal -- you raised him, and you feel it's your right to be the mother of the groom on his wedding day. What you need to remember is that you will be, whether his birth mother is present or not. Any relationship he builds with her will not compare to or replace his relationship with you. Talk with your son about your feelings -- tell him you feel like his birth mom is going to take your place at the wedding, even though you know that's foolish. Let him reassure you. Then give him your blessing and let him make the decision about whether or not to invite his birth mom.
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cherry_Blossum
I am also adopted and do know my birth mother. Please, never forget that you are his REAL mom. Whatever kind of relationship your son and his biological mother develop will never match the one you two share. The closest it could be is a close friendship. Have a heart to heart with your son so that he understands how you feel. In the end, this is his special day and the decision of whether or not she attends is his. Please don't allow him to feel guilty. It's obvious that your son cares deeply about your feelings on the matter. Keep in mind that this is a celebration of his marriage and future with his fiance and that's what matters most.
NRKarlak
Oh wow - i am having this problem as well. I was adopted at birth but my adoptive mom passed away when I was young. I recently found my birth mother and am really stuck on what to do. I would like her to be part of it but I would also be incredibly insulted and hurt to hear her running around the hall saying she's my "mom". I hold that as a very special title she, quite frankly, hasn't earned in my eyes. For you and your son I think it would come down to how close are they? Do they talk weekly or does he have to hunt her down all over again every few months? Is she proud of him and supportive or does she just show him off as her good deed? Is she inserting herself into the picture or is he genuinly inviting her without any pressure from her end? I think if you both go through these ya'll will be able to be comfortable and confidant in the decission no matter what the result. Good Luck !