Got cold feet? Are you experiencing a chilling fear as you realize that you're about to spend the rest of your life with the same person? Don't worry, it happens. Most of the time, this freak-out period just means you're suffering from a case of pre-wedding jitters. (And trust us: You're not alone! Lots of nervous to-be-weds unload on our message boards. Drop by to commiserate and ask advice any time.)
Sometimes, however, these symptoms signify a more serious problem -- and deserve immediate attention. Our guide will help you determine whether you should run right back into the arms of your fiance -- or start sprinting in the opposite direction.
Pre-Wedding Jitters: Reasons NOT to Call it Off
Feeling Un-Frisky?Relax. This temporary lull in your sex life is not an indication that you're destined for a lifetime of bedroom boredom. Rather, it's probably a reaction to stress. (Let's face it -- fussing with florists, favors, and first dance songs are not exactly aphrodisiacs.) It's totally natural and is no indication of the road ahead. Just you wait -- that honeymoon will heat things up again!
The Ex Factor
Your fiance's ex keeps coming up like a bad meal, and suddenly you're feeling threatened, like maybe he/she really still carries a torch. Don't do anything drastic. Share your feelings with your spouse-to-be in a non-confrontational way. Take a romantic weekend getaway to reconnect -- and prove your love for one another all over again.
It's normal to feel especially sensitive on your way to the altar.
Fed Up Forever?
Is she or he getting on your nerves? Do you suddenly have a low threshold for that messy desk, those unwashed dishes, or that loud sneezing? It's okay. The engagement period is not always happy camping -- pre-wedding stress can make you more irritable, impatient, and easily annoyed. If, out of the blue, his or her friends start bugging you and those habits are driving you berserk, take a deep breath. Recognize that you're extra moody -- and do your best to keep things in perspective.
Pre-Party Panic
Two weeks before the big bash, you find that you're panicked -- you're sweating, shaking, losing sleep, and not eating. While this is not healthy, it is normal. You're about to make a commitment for the rest of your life and you're staring that notion right in the eye. Try your best to relax and be healthy. Your nerves will eventually return to a normal state.
Pet Peeves
You love dogs, your sweetie hates 'em. How are you supposed to have the life you want without a furry friend to have and to hold? Or perhaps you're peeved that your to-be's cats (and litter box) need to be a part of your new home together. No matter what the issue, merging your lives is not always smooth sailing. These differences are usually not worth ending the engagement. Realize that compromises are necessary -- give a little and you'll find that you get a lot.
Permanent Problem: Reasons TO Call it Off
On a more serious note, there are relationship problems that lie beyond the world of pre-wedding nerves, peeves, and irritations. If you find yourself facing any of these issues, please do yourself a favor and take steps immediately -- confront the problem head on, consult with family or friends, and/or seek professional help (either individually or together). Prepare a plan of action. Postpone the wedding -- or call it off if the problem seems beyond repair.
Big Reasons to Seek Help or Call it Off:
- Abuse: physical or emotional
- Addiction: drugs, alcohol, or gambling
- Serious family issues: parental disapproval or discordance
- Sex: unpleasant or hurtful
- Betrayal: cheating, stealing, or dishonesty
- Religion: conflicting beliefs that cannot be resolved
- Offspring: different plans for having children
- Spending money: opposing attitudes/philosophy
- Sexual orientation: your partner's preferences are different from what you were led to believe
-- Julie Komorn
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Teyaw
Esigna: I really think you need to step back and talk to someone you trust. Trust me, it is much better to undo the move then to undo a marriage....
texaslolamy
Parental disapproval is not a reason to call off a wedding. Adults don't need mommy and daddy's permission to wed, although it is always nice to have. I feel blessed that all 4 of our parents support our marriage.
e_signa
My fiance told me last night that he wants to call it off. The wedding is in 2 months. He says it just doesnt feel right, but has no specific reason. I just got out of my lease and moved into our house 2 weeks ago. I asked him why he asked me to marry him and he said "It was the next step". That makes me feel GREAT...(sarcasm). I don't know what to do. I won't force him to marry me, but the timing is really horrible. Any advice???
xxLUNACYFRINGExx
I could make a list of things ten thousand miles long of the things that irritate me about FH, his family, my family, our lives together, his work, my work (or lack thereof), the pets, pretty much everything about him and us drives me nuts recently. If I feel too overwhelmed with moving into a new home, planning a wedding and/or life in general, I stop for a second and remind myself why I said yes when he proposed in the first place. FH is strong, reliable, intelligent, funny, and gets along with almost everyone in my family. He'll be a good provider and a good father. When I weigh that against the fact that he snores like a bear, hogs the bed, never puts dishes in the dishwasher, leaves wet towels behind the toilet and drinks milk right from the carton, none of it seems to matter so much. As long as I feel safe and loved, I can put up with all that day to day crap.
krisvanstip
Politics?? anyone?? I never thought it would matter that we are on different sides of the fence in this... we just opt not to talk about it which I am not much of an educated person in the history of politics, I basically read the news, see what is going on and either accept it or well I just always accept that there is nothing I can change and I chose to not have political fights with anyone ~ or allow all the drama in the world to completely affect my life, so much that I lose sleep or get blistering mad over it. While dating we joked about the donkey and the elephant and sort of poked fun at each other.. He is die hard and knows everything about everyone mostly based on facts and he does have opinions and some are much stronger than others ~ I tend to lie closely to the fence in politics... where most of my beliefs were formed for me and as an adult I have learned what I agree with and what I don't, what I wouldn't want for my children or what just really doesn't matter to me. It seems to frustrate him more and more recently as we have moved in together that I like to watch certain news channels just because those are the ones I know ~ he tends to watch the ones that are more for his side of the field.. and then he tries to debate with me and I am the very last person to debate with because I have no clue what you are talking about.. I prefer to discuss gossip magazines and tv shows and things that happened at work, while he wants to give me a break down every single night about how this president did this and that and what happened in World War II. Not to mention he rarely brings up the war we are in now.. except to place blame.. and I happen to just like or dislike for whatever reason anyone he likes or dislikes on the other side.. so it's getting worse for us and we have a new rule, no discussing it. I sometimes bring it up when I hear something on the news but I am careful to be very open minded and say exactly the right wordng as to not take sides. I have even recently defended his side because I disagree with something my side did and he got mad about that.. Politics are not something you can change in a person if they are set in their ways and it's also very hard to just overcome in our world right now.. people are more and more taking sides and blaming the other and if you don't see eye to eye on it it's almost painful. Nothing has happened that we didn't get over it quickly but I often wonder, how will we raise our kids?? what will we say to them, how will we do what is right? my parents shielded me from it ~ his parents put him right in the middle of it ~ I feel that our children should just be raised to make their own decision and he says they are going to be raised on facts.. which is fine but facts might be true.. if you are telling the WHOLE story and not just the one sided story ~ which is his problem. he is so great at blaming the "other side" for things but rarely brings up what his side has done that wasn't so great.. those things seem to be brushed under the rug.. Religion is not much of a battle for us because we are both christian... but both raised out of a church and as an adult I have become more spiritual and attend church where as soon as he became an adult, he never went back ~ I don't bother him about going with me, he does when he wants and he knows what time it starts and when to be ready so if he is up we go, if he isn't I tell him I will see him later and he is ok with it.. but then sometimes a situation arises where we discuss is it biblical or not? and he tends to react like he is the best christian ever yet he doesn't do any of the things a christian should.. I am certain he doesn't pray even when he says, i will keep you in my prayers.. yet you bring up the bible and he is all over it. It drives me crazy. But I love him more than it drives me crazy and it's rare so I deal with it but Religion is definatly another reason to step back. You cannot change a person and their beliefs.