Q.
I am the mother of the bride, with a very small budget. My problem is that her fiance's mother suggested that my daughter and her son elope and take the cash from us as a down payment on a new home! This really annoys me. I only have one daughter, and I was looking forward to having a celebration. My future son-in-law seems to like his mother's idea. What do you suggest?
A.
Hey, if she wants to give the couple money for a down payment, that's her prerogative. But you have a right to give your daughter money for a specific purpose -- in this case, her wedding. It is extremely inappropriate for the groom's mother to suggest what should be done with your money. And you shouldn't feel like you have no say in the matter, because you certainly do. Sit down and talk with your daughter about how you're feeling. She needs to know that the suggestion upsets you, and, more importantly, that you're really looking forward to planning a wedding celebration with her.
You said your future son-in-law seems to like his mom's suggestion, but you didn't say what your daughter thinks. Can you assume she wants a wedding? See how she feels about all this. If she is seriously thinking about foregoing a wedding to put your contributions toward a house (which, though not terribly romantic, isn't a completely left-field idea), you'll have to decide if you'd be happier helping her do that or just keeping the money you wanted to use for the wedding. It's a difficult situation, but the key is to figure out what your daughter wants so the two of you can work together to make both of your wishes come true.
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tommyandy
susse liebe, i suggest a small wedding with parents & sibs plus their spouses/s.o. only. Then after you buy a house, have a huge housewarming.
vivejolix@bellsouth.net
I am 46 and marrying for the 2nd time. My parents weren't involved in the planning part of my first wedding. Now, all the sudden with time on their hands as retirees, they are second guessing my every decision and essentially trying to bulldoze. They're not funding this wedding and we are two grown adults. We're thinking of eloping too.
vivejolix@bellsouth.net
I am 46 and marrying for the 2nd time. My parents weren't involved in the planning part of my first wedding. Now, all the sudden with time on their hands as retirees, they are second guessing my every decision and essentially trying to bulldoze. They're not funding this wedding and we are too grown adults. We're thinking of eloping too.
tmjmeister
Its your money and you have the right to do with it whatever you want. Its true that your daughter can do whatever she wants for her wedding but she doesn't have to do it with your money. I think that If you are going to give her money you should have some say in how its spent. If she wants something different that what you want then have them us there own money or better yet use her fiance's mother's money since she has so much say about it.
susse_liebe
I'm having the same dilemma...my fiance would like to have a party but since both our parents haven't mentioned any contribution, I feel that we should put our hard-earned money to good use and that is, to get a house and etc rather than spending it all on a 5-hour event feeding and entertaining people who probably won't lend us money when we starve in the next few months!hehe