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The Groom to English Translator

What he's (really) saying between "Will you?" and "I do."

Photo: The Image is Found Photography

When it comes to relationships, experts agree that communication is key. So what to do when the groom-to-be stops making sense? It's not that he's not talking, it's that he's talking crazy. Newsflash: Chances are he's equally clueless. In other words, even he doesn't know what he means. Wish you had a cheat sheet to help suss out his true thoughts? Read on.

When he says: "For the reception, let's get the china with the kitty-cat border on it."
He really means: "Maybe if I pick the worst thing I can find, I'll be off the hook from here on out."

When he says: "My mom has a really neat idea about flowers; you should call her!"
He really means: "My mom has a horrible idea about flowers that I know you'll loathe, but please be nice about it."

When he says: "The ecru invitation is the best."
He really means: "All of these samples look exactly the same to me...white."

When he says: "The groomsmen want to know if the ceremony can be at 10 p.m. so they won't have to miss the game."
He really means: "I'm having a hard time laying down the law with my boys. Could you be the bad cop?"

When he says: "Of course I was listening. Why wouldn't I be listening?"
He really means: "Babe, I'm human. We've been planning this thing for a year. So no...I was not listening."

When he says: "Hmmm...which to choose? Rubber chicken -- or rubber fish?"
He really means: "I'll grin and bear it if you ask me to wear the world's most ridiculous boutonniere, but food isn't a joke. Let's make sure it's great."

When he says: "It's up to you."
He really means: "As much as I love you, I can't even pretend to care about napkin rings."

When he says: "Are pets allowed at the venue?"
He really means: "I think these plans are getting a little too fancy for my taste."

When he says: "Just tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it."
He really means: "Just because I can't read your mind doesn't mean I'm not excited. I don't want to disappoint you, so seriously -- please tell me what to do."

When he says: "I found a wedding band on Craigslist! And guess what? They'll play the reception for a hundred bucks...plus beer."
He really means: "Your willingness to stretch the budget to its breaking point has thrown me into a complete panic."

When he says: "You're not going to get one of those woven bread-loaf hairdos, are you?"
He really means: "I hope you'll walk down the aisle looking like you -- not some cookie-cutter bride-bot."

When he says: "Forget all this! Let's blow it off and elope in Costa Rica."
He really means: "You're acting like a total bridezilla and I just want you to be happy."

When he says: "Could our first dance be to 'Welcome to the Jungle,' by Guns N' Roses?"
He really means: "Could our first dance be to 'Welcome to the Jungle,' by Guns N' Roses?"

-- Hallie Goodman