Boy meets girl, boy proposes, boy marries girl. A happy story, sure, but does it become more complicated when either one or both have been there, done that? Psychologist Judith Ruskay Rabinor gets to the meat of the matter as she answers our scariest questions about second engagements.
Q: What is the scariest thing about getting engaged for a second time?
A: If there are children involved, most couples worry about how to integrate them into the relationship. They wonder how they'll each do with the new responsibility and commitment to family that adding dependent people to the mix inevitably brings. What will it be like to suddenly have more responsibility? How can they make sure the children don't feel alienated?
Q: What about the kids? How are they affected by Mom or Dad remarrying?
A: For the children, the second marriage of a parent brings up any unmourned loss of the nuclear family. As such, it actually offers an opportunity to rework and heal from the divorce or loss of a parent. Parents need to have an appreciation and an awareness that what is required is time and attention. Often children are really happy about the upcoming marriage, but underneath the happiness are more ambivalent feelings. The only way those feelings can come out -- and they need too -- is if there is room and time for discussion. I had a patient who, the day of her second wedding, had a special breakfast for her children to say good-bye to their old way of life. We have no rituals to really mark the mourning of the divorce process. Often the sad feelings get submerged under the hoopla of the happiness of the second wedding, as well as the wedding details.
Q: For those who have seen their first marriages fall apart, do they usually enter the second marriage with more fear and trepidation?
A: Just the opposite. Getting divorced can both strengthen one's desire to make a marriage work, and it can leave one assured that if it doesn't work, they'll be okay. Coming from a secure place like that is a positive thing.
Q: What about a couple where one partner has divorced and the other has never tied the knot?
A: For someone who had never been married, it would be good to explore their partner's divorce in depth. How did he or she survive it? What do they see was their contribution to the marriage's failure? What is this person's track record in problem solving and negotiation? Talking is healing -- it's important to talk about it. I advocate that people read a book by Harville Hendrix called Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. He teaches couples a healing communication process.
Q: What are the stickiest parts of second wedding planning?
A: How do the two families fit in? Who is in the wedding party? The next most important thing is the finances. When two young people get married, their contribution is moderate. With people in their 40s or 50s, they come with financial and emotional baggage. Who pays for the wedding and how are the finances divided? Couples need to communicate about that.
Q: How should the couple approach their parents?
A: Parents may tend to feel a bit of reluctance the second time around. Most people sweep the unpleasant and frightening feelings that all concerned undoubtedly share under the rug. It helps if the couple can articulate their worst fear: What if this marriage doesn't last, either? Simply naming a fear disempowers it.
Q: What about those skeptical and judgmental relatives? How is a couple supposed to deal with THEM?
A: Avoid them. But if too many people who are close to someone have deep concerns, a person should pay attention to them. The most important thing, though, is to tap inside oneself to see if one has a good feeling. People entering a second marriage have had enough bad experiences.
Q: Is there a recipe for a successful second marriage?
A: I entered my second marriage with a much different attitude. When I married for the first time, I thought that what was important was that we both liked sailing and the same movies. Twenty-five years later, I realize that making room for another person is a very big commitment. I don't think I thought like that when I got married the first time. Entering into something for the second time, you have a whole new slant on the entire thing.
--Darcy Lockman
-- Darcy Lockman
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