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don't let rude questions ruffle your feathers

You can count on the fact that someone will ask you a question that is intrusive, embarrassing, or downright offensive at some point during the party. Your answer should strive to clarify the question, put them on the spot, or shut them up. Of course, whether a question is rude or not has a lot to do with who asked it. Here are some volleys for the most common none-of-your-business queries:

  • Who's paying for the wedding?
    Inquire, "Why do you ask?" They may be getting married soon -- or marrying off a child -- and are curious as to how you juggled your budget (a valid question). If someone is just prying, say, "My sugar daddy." or "I finally sold my collection of comic books and action figures."
  • When are going to start having kids?
    If kids are in your future, reassure older family members (who come from a different generation and are genuinely anxious to cuddle new kids) that having children is very important to you and that they'll be the first to know when you two decide the time is right. (If they tend to go on about it, excuse yourself immediately to greet a guest.) If you're not sure, buy time by saying that you want to have your new partner all to yourself for a few years first. Nosey contemporaries should get what they deserve: A joke in return. Perhaps say something like, "When you're ready to baby-sit them!" or "We're still practicing."
  • Does he make enough to support you?
    Oh, please. Just say "Plenty!" or "Why do you ask?" To people you know well, ask, "Why? Does he look hungry?" or "I'm so glad you asked! We're currently accepting contributions -- how much can I put you down for?"
  • Who is the best man and maid of honor?
    Tread carefully! If you haven't decided yet, don't give hopeful applicants any encouragement -- you don't want to make an offhand commitment that you'll later regret. Simply say something like, "It's a really tough call. I/We have so many special people in our lives that we want to take some time to make the right decision."
  • How big is it? (Your diamond, that is.)
    Can you say shallow? Some pesky -- or jealous -- people equate the size of your rock with the size of his love, or how much he thinks you're "worth". It can also be their way of gauging how much he earns. Don't stand for it. Smile and quip, "None of your business!" or ignore the question and muse, "It's absolutely perfect." If a good friend asks, he or she is probably just captivated by the sight of the little stunner and blurted out the question before thinking. (On a we're-all-human side note: If you know how many carats the diamond is, does that mean that you asked, too?)

engaged - etiquette

Engagement Parties: Planning 101

You don't need an excuse for a celebratory bash -- you're engaged! Party on with our engagement-party primer.

Photo: Philippe Cheng Photography

The purpose of an engagement gala -- usually scheduled no later than three months after the big announcement -- can be threefold: to share the new of the couples' imminent union with future wedding guests, to introduce the families to each other, and to celebrate the impending, well, celebration.  Tradition has it that the bride's parents host the initial gathering, but the groom's parents can then throw their own party, or both sets can come together to host the fete. As you decide, here are five things the hosts should keep in mind:

1.  Give the Couple Time to Breathe

An impromptu family gathering the weekend after he proposed is the perfect opportunity to break out the vintage champagne, but don't schedule an all-out opulent affair during the engagement's first month. The couple needs some time to revel in just being engaged. Plan to host an engagement party two to four months after he popped the question. That gives the couple a chance to envision their eventual wedding-a crucial element to consider when deciding on the type of event you will throw.


2.  Find Out the Size of the Wedding

Everyone who is invited to the engagement party should ultimately be invited to the wedding. Otherwise, guests might wonder what they did at the engagement party to insult you! That said, if the couple decides to host their own wedding and keep the list small and you want to throw an extravagant engagement party, go for it. Just be sure to let people know that the wedding will be small so no feelings will be hurt when guests aren't invited to the wedding. If you are worried that your friends will think you want to have a big bash solely to garner gifts, include a nice note in the invitation that requests no presents.

3.  Consider what will make the in-laws most comfortable

Since the engagement party custom was actually designed to help you start building bridges between the families, consider their style. If they are a very formal family, an impromptu picnic in the park might not be the most appropriate setting for getting to know one another. Likewise, a five-course sit-down dinner attended by all your friends might be a bit intimidating for them. Settle nerves by including as many people from their side as you can reasonably accommodate.

4.  Suggest That the Couple Register Beforehand

While traditionally guests have not brought presents to this function, increasing numbers do today, and it's only fair to provide guidance. Remind the couple to register for gifts in the low to middle range-a five-hundred-dollar cappuccino maker is not your typical engagement present. If some guests arrive bearing gifts, just be sure the couple unwraps them after the party or away from the crowd so people who came empty-handed won't feel uncomfortable.

5.  Remind Yourself That There is Still a Wedding to Throw

Every host wants to plan an unforgettable affair, but you never want to upstage the main event. Try to create a different mood for the engagement party while maintaining your own style. You won't want to force a casual cookout if you (and your guests) favor formal parties, and vice versa. But if your guests are up to it, set apart a black-tie affair with a sit-on-the-floor, buffet-style engagment bash; preview a semiformal daytime wedding with a swanky cocktail party, ties optional; or balance a destination wedding with a home-cooked dinner party.

-- Kathleen Murray

See More: Just Engaged?