For your son's wedding, you deserve to look regal and radiant. But before you go shopping, you have to consider the bride and her mother. At a loss? Here's your guide to attire etiquette.
Q. What's the dress-buying protocol for moms?
A. It's customary for the mother of the bride to purchase her dress first. Her choice is meant to subtly dictate what the mother of the groom will wear. However, this approach can be a little old-fashioned, not to mention a little unrealistic. There's always some factor that make abiding by tradition a lost cause. Our advice: Just play it by ear, and try to be flexible. It's not a competition.
Q. When the mother of the bride buys her dress, what happens? Does she call the mother of the groom?
A. If the bride's family wants to uphold old-school wedding etiquette, you can expect the mother of the bride to notify you. This courtesy is presumably meant to prevent overdressing, clashing colors, and other fashion faux pas, but it's also viewed as a friendly gesture. She might very well call you, or your son might subtly deliver the details your way. If she calls, use it as a chance to get acquainted, trade fashion tips, etc. If you don't care what the mother of the bride wears and could do without the formal phone call, don't worry. Just be polite if she calls ("Thanks for letting me know! Sounds lovely!") and move on with your dress-shopping plans.
The bride's choice of color, cut, and length are meant to subtly dictate what the mother of the groom will wear.
Q. Does the groom's stepmom have to abide by the dress-buying rules, too?
A. At the risk of hurting her feelings, the mother of the bride will usually involve only the mother of the groom in the mom dress discussion. After all, it's really just a formal courtesy. Express your attire concerns to the bride and groom. They'll let you know what they think is appropriate and give you some guidelines. Otherwise, wear whatever feels good.
Q. What are the color restrictions surrounding the mother of the groom's dress?
A. Traditionally, avoiding dresses in the white and ivory color family (that can appear to rival the bride), black gowns (that can suggest mourning) and red gowns (or similarly "flashy" shades) is the standard. Though we've seen moms in white who look tailored and elegant. We think black is classic, chic, and formal, and know that even red can be done with gorgeous good taste. The bottom line? Before you start shopping, talk to the bride. She may be very sensitive to the color issue or completely indifferent. If she expresses reservation, think about subdued-but-stately colors in the lavender, silver, burgundy, and blue families.
Q. When it comes to choosing the mother of the groom's dress, how much say does the bride have?
A. It's nice to consult her on color -- especially if you have your heart set on white, black, or red. She may also have ideas about style, length, and formality. Do try to respect her wishes -- and recognize that she might be too polite (or scared) to express her true thoughts for fear of offending or disappointing you. While shopping, keep her guidelines in mind, but the dress you finally settle on should make you happy, too.
Q. How far in advance should the mother of the groom purchase her dress? Also, is it okay to buy the dress without the mother of the bride's go-ahead?
A. In general, you want to start shopping as soon as possible. If you're a procrastinator, aim to have made a decision at least one month before the wedding. But you generally should wait for the MOB go-ahead before making a purchase. If you've heard nothing and have about four months till the wedding, find out what's going on from the bride. Her mom probably doesn't mind if you do your own thing and probably is unaware that you're waiting on her. In this case, you're free to proceed.
Q. Must the mother of the groom wear something dressy to the wedding, even if formal isn't her style?
A. If it's an evening wedding, you're going to have to dress up more than usual. You don't want to stick out or appear disrespectful. But this doesn't mean you have to sport sequins and satin or velvet and rhinestones. There are many frill-free formal looks out there. Stick to your guns and you'll find an outfit (pants are okay!) that's unembellished, easy, and elegant -- perfect for your casual style.
Q. Can a young-looking mother of the groom wear a sassy, strapless ball gown -- is there such a thing as looking too young or sexy?
A. On one level we think you deserve to wear a fabulously sexy dress, but on another we're wondering how the bride will feel. Run it by her. If she's supportive, go for it -- you're both going to sizzle! But if she seems concerned, have a backup plan. (You might want to ask your son for his opinion, too - he'll know what the bride really wants.) Besides, you're not limited to "frumpy" or overly conservative attire. It's quite possible to be a glamorous mother of the groom without ruffling any feathers. Use your best judgment. A good test? Get your sales woman's approval -- she should have no trouble telling you what's "too much".
-- Amy Elliott
See More: Basics for Moms , Bridal Party Fashion